German Visit – a trip on board a hospital ship
The bus driver Ian was slightly late arriving at Costco due to an extra stop at the nearest garage to pump up the back tyres. Apparently someone had phoned Ian on a mobile to say that Irene was bringing her tardis like case on the bus so the pressure in both tyres would have to be increased accordingly.
We set off from Costco to Hull with no thoughts whatsoever that a virus was doing the rounds which would lead in due course to several of the kids falling ill.
The ferry across to Rotterdam was fairly new and had all the usual features, film shows, casino, disco, perfume shop etc. There was however a very strange aroma in the shop until someone pointed out that Philip had been sprayed by Iain with, we think, every tester possible and was now walking around with a ready breck glow around his body.
The less said about the cabaret act on the dance floor the better, suffice to say, they should have been sent to the lifeboats or asked to walk the plank so as to give everyone some peace and quiet.
Just as well that we all met for dinner on the ferry at the same time because if we had left it any later then the two bin merchants Oliver and Michael would have eaten the entire contents of all the trays at the counter. At one stage I thought Oliver was going to eat Michael I blame the parents myself!
Most embarrassing moment on the ferry, and Danny will back me up on this one, was the rather elderly lady dressed in leather trousers on the dance floor who could not move at all. This was either down to the tight fit or an inability to use her legs. You might say that was a quite a cruel comment however if you had seen this sight trying to pull the men you would have burst out laughing. Danny thought it was part of the cabaret comedy act until he realised she was for real.
The only two people to be stopped at the other end upon dis-embarking were yours truly and Dave Stevenson in the formers case this was down to the fact that my passport photo makes me look like a Colombian drug baron (that’s my excuse AND I am sticking to it!) When asked if I had anything to declare I replied “Insanity at agreeing to take all these children to Germany” unfortunately that joke did not go down too well as he rummaged through my bag. The sniffer dog landed up collapsing in a heap with its legs up in the air, I think it had taken a sharp intake of breath next to a T Shirt which had somehow had remained in my bag for a couple of weeks. Having left the customs desk in a state of disarray we proceeded sheepishly to be met with comments of trust you to be late (you just can’t win).
The trips in Germany were varied and the highlight of the week was the visit to the MGM Movie Park with all its attractions. The wooden roller coaster did not look to bad and being the brave sole (sounds a bit fishy!) that I am I proceeded to get strapped in, however, one of the swimmers who will remain nameless decided to tell me, TOO LATE! that it was the second fastest ride in Europe. After the first turn my body had switched itself from a state of calm to Death Con 5 with total shut down getting closer by the second. It eventually came to a halt and, more through luck than judgement and I climbed out a totally different man that I had been 2 min and 45 sec’s ago.
Needless to say the photo taken of the older boys at the end of the log flume ride is censored however I am open to bribery and corruption on this one if approached.
The theme park was great for the younger ones as well as the older age group and this meant that everyone had a really good time. Irene had learnt from last time and stayed off most of the rides. The ONLY incident was Sean who, had told us, he does not like any spinning rides and had managed to avoid any of these until late morning. He chose the worst possible ride and was sick all over himself it took two of us several minutes to clean him up only to discover that he had eaten a pizza just before hand.
There was a massive big tower that simply dropped you over 100 feet before the brakes went on. I don’t like heights but decided to go up this one just the same and it may have looked terrifying from the ground well, (I should have known) it was even worse from the top. One half of my polo shirt is still hanging at the top and the other half, which had a thread poking through nearly unravelled, itself around mid throat area. The thought of having a tracheotomy did not appeal one bit. I think I got off the ride without a picture being taken thank goodness.
The final night party was the usual success with Dianne blasting out a couple of tunes in her normal faultless manner. The other beer drinking song came from myself, David and Stuart McArthur where we were conned (that’s what we say) up to the stage to sing a German Love song (which sounded more like a chant from a home game for Cologne). We became known as the three Petrol Pump Guys, apparently a very famous film in Germany. I don’t think this film got past any of the German borders and I assume was not reviewed by Barrie Norman, none of us had ever heard of it. The German ladies lapped this up so it came as no surprise that we volunteered to give another rendition for good measure. The CD has been cut and will be issued in next month’s newsletter for the hard of hearing. Bribes will be readily accepted to destroy this world-dominating track.
Anna Herd seemed to have a lot of problems with her top on the trip, which constantly meant she was uttering “can someone please tie me up”. We eventually put this down to a misspent childhood. Many thanks to her for her help especially with translating some of the dialogue on the nights out.
A rendition of Patrick Swayze was carried out by one of the coaches at the disco and was caught on camera. There is no truth that he is taking this to the West End Theatre in London and is ditching his coaching job.
The trip back was a bit rough combining the two effects of the rollercoaster and the spinning wheel at least I could blame the ferry for the dodgy dancing at the disco. Upon dis-embarking the ferry we had to wait at customs whilst a swimmer who will remain nameless for a small fee retrieved their teddy which was having a wash in the wash hand basin in their cabin!!
A final word here goes to Irene and her bag which once again did not disappoint us. Danny had a sore eye and I jokingly asked if anyone had an eye rinse Irene produced not one but four eye wash solutions. Boots the Chemists or what!!!
A big thanks to all the adults and a special mention to Rachel Coatham and Jamie Dyer who really were not very well on the trip but they never let it get them down. Also to any other swimmers who were subjected to the virus which could not have been easy to cope with being many miles from home.
Colin Galbraith
